Incapable of Love

"Depression has me convinced that I am incapable of love. I am jaded, bored, and desensitized to emotion, and have generally lost the ability to give a fuck. In my head, I know that this state that I am in is not part of the "normal" me... but there is a part of me that worries that it is, or that I simply may not ever return to what I used to be or what I can be. Truthfully, I don't even remember what it was to be emotionally and mentally well, as it has been so long since I have felt wholly and fully healthy and functioning. 

It's been difficult to form and continue a lasting relationship with another person. It is such a chore. Relationships are not interesting or motivating enough for my efforts to maintain them. I have a ridiculous self-installed screening system that deems almost everyone incompatible with me. And it's not as if I'm actively critical, purposely looking for something to disqualify someone; it is more like "oh we don't have the instant amazing connection that pretty much guarantees a meaningful friendship, so there's no point in spending time together." Sure, I meet people where I see myself having a lighter friendship with, whose personalities seem moderately compatible with mine and share a few similar interests... but then I think, to what end? Even superficial relationships require some sort of effort. Sometimes texting back is such a big task, and I don't want to waste others' time with my half-ass approach in building any sort of relationship. 

It scares me that this will be it for me. The close friends that I already have are living very different lives from mine far away from me. Through my years of depression and coping with my antisocial tendencies, I have perfected the art of being alone. On the days that I can actually get out of bed and leave the house, I eat or drink alone at restaurants and bars. Sometimes I make "friends," but I come home, and that's it. Being alone is lonely and boring. I don't want to be bored and lonely.

I want to care. I want to actually want to make friends with others and form relationships. I want to appreciate other people, their personalities and quirks, like them for who they are despite being short of my soul mate, want to make an effort to bond in a meaningful way - I want to love them, and be loved back.

I feel like a selfish, horrible person, who is incapable of loving others, so self-involved in her own darkness."


Fonte: https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/1uv2ax/incapable_of_love/